Killing himself

He was hungry,
He was cold,
He hadn’t had a meal
That wasn’t two days old.

He crept into the house
Silent like a mime,
To steal a few something
A dollar, a penny, a dime.

Unfortunate, his soul,
A wrong moment he chose.
He walked into the house,
Just as the master arose.

A brief struggle,
A short fight,
Too many people,
Smothering his flight.

The cops were called,
In the middle of the night
They came in their cars,
In all their might.

They dragged his body
They dragged his soul.
They dragged him through
Every unknown hole.

They had kept him in chains,
They had kept him locked
They had tried to break him
They had to keep him shocked.

They beat him with fists,
And sticks, all they tried
For each lash on his body
Not once, he cried.

They had caught him stealing
To feed himself.
They never knew they
Caught him, killing himself.

Dated: 25th December 2005

Sorry

There was a time, when I was young, when I was probably the rudest being the almighty ever created. I did not give elders the respect they were entitled to, I was too young to gauge if they actually deserved it. If one has ever conversed in a language that was Indian - Hindi, Tamil or any other regional language, I guess one will understand what I mean. There is a way of addressing the people that are in the same age group and those donkey years older than you are. I used the kind of language one uses to address and fight with ones siblings on everybody. This is when a cousin of mine, god bless his heart, taught me one does not do that and the nuances of the language. The reason I bring this up is this is when I began using the word “sorry”.

Over the last few days, a series of events occurred that has made me question the very use of the word. Again, the events do not matter, as do the questions that arose in my head. This is another effort to convert those useless things called random musings to valid arguments.

The main question is does on really control what they are doing? The answer to that, according to me is yes, they do. Everything one does is a choice. Taking into consideration all other possible avenues possible, the result of each one and weighing them also known as cost – benefit analysis in management parlance, one takes the decision. Post this one implements the decision. This means following a particular path is a result of a conscious decision.

Since one has control over every event, not the result, one had the choice not to do it, but chose to do so; does one need to be sorry the result was different compared to the one he/she expected when he/she chose to walk down that path?

This is where I am not able to conclude. There are two arguments I have and both seem to be equally sane. I will try to elucidate them both. Maybe someone out there can provide assistance.

Each decision one takes can be of two types - one that affects others and one that affects only the decision maker. This is the main assumption I am running with.

In the former case, where the decision I take affects others, I guess I have a responsibility to make sure the things I do, do not affect the other person in a detrimental manner, and even though this mainly contradicts the fact one man’s gain is another man’s loss. To take this further, I guess, only the people that matter to me should not to have a negative return from my actions. Does this mean I can do things I like when the other person is a complete stranger? Well, I am not sure. This is where the society steps in to say there is a limit to what I can do when it affects someone in a negative manner. What this means is, I can inflict pain to an unknown stranger to a certain extent, I can earn his money off him, which is really saying I can rob him of his money without me realizing I have done that, I can cause him emotional stress hopefully unknowingly, but I cannot do all this knowingly.

Does this mean I can do this if I do not care? If I give two hoots about what happens to others, can I carry on indulging myself and not bothering about what happens to others? Can I be selfish regarding my happiness and not give a damn about what it does to others?

When it comes to things that affects no one else, is there such a thing? Is not the “Butterfly Effect” that says, a butterfly flapping its wings at the equator can set off a chain of events that can lead to a tsunami in Japan? Is it not true no man is an island and he/she cannot exist in a vacuum, in a cocoon, alone and without a connection in the world? Is he/she not a social animal?

I have used two main influences in this thought. One is objectivism of Ayn Rand, the thought “no act in this world is selfless”; one that says, “There is a selfish reason behind everything one does”. The other line of thought is the one proposed by John Nash of the “A Beautiful Mind”, “The best result will happen for a group of people when the people think and do the things that are best for themselves and the group as a whole”.

I really seemed to have rambled on about everything but the topic. The question I am asking is “If everything I do is the result of a conscious decision, a choice, can I ever be sorry? By being sorry, am I not belittling myself? Is not a way of saying I was stupid when I made the choice? Is not saying I am sorry for taking the path I chose and I regret what I did? Is regretting something the worst thing to do?

If I never regret what I have done, if I am at peace with what I have done and what it has led to, no matter what the outcome, do I have to be sorry?

Does not being sorry, make me a worse man than I am? These questions were some I asked to my own self and the answers I got were amazing. I have not felt sorry when the effect was on some one I did not care for. When it was in some one I cared about, I was not sorry for the effect on the person, I was sorry because the person telling me I had let them down made me feel bad. When I felt bad because of something I did, I felt sorry. This sorry was not for the target that felt bad, but to me. In the end, I was sorry I let some one mean so much that hurting them hurt me.

The thin line between solitude and loneliness

I always love referring to the dictionary when I have no clue as to what a word means, the reason being that it gives the meaning that is farthest removed from what I am looking for. In fact when I looked up the words solitude and loneliness, they were synonyms. But there exists a world of difference between the two.

Man is a social animal and needs to be with other people. This has meant that more times than not, he seems to be happier when he is in a group, where there are more people, indulging in the presence of one and another and hanging out. This can mean different things for different people. For some this may mean having a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop, for some this may be talking about the movie that they went to last night, for some this can be the hot girl that they are dating, while others this can be a chance to bounce their ideas of each other.

It has always been said that a person can achieve more when he is in a group, where there is a healthy competition. This is mainly because one tries to out do the other. This does not mean that they adopt any method necessary to outperform the others in the group. This means that they shall give all their efforts to beat the other person. In case that they fail to do so, they are not fazed. They are happy that some one in the team has done what was necessary.

As far as the personal side of life goes, it is obvious. Every one seems to need someone that they can pour their hearts to, some one who can listen to them. I remember I have a friend, a very close one who used to use me as a sounding board. What she used to do was nice. She used to come to my place and start talking about the things that used to worry her. All I had to do was, keep listening. When she was done, she was clearer in her head as to what she had to do to overcome what ever was troubling her. More than anything, when you have someone that listens to you, I guess that it makes what you are churning in your head much lighter.

Many a time, I have noticed that the thing that is bothering me is so insignificant; it need not be worried about at all. This is something that I would not have been able to see on my own. Thanks to the perception that I trust enough to share my thoughts, I would be able to see that.

At the end of a day, I guess that it helps to have someone that cares to lend an ear. In addition, to have someone on whose shoulder you can lay a shoulder is wonderful.

Anyone that craves for the above and does not get it is said to be lonely.

Unfortunately, I would not know all this. I have never been able to sustain myself in a group that had more than three people, preferably with one absent.

I have become a person who does not need this. Rather, I guess that I work better when I am alone, when the only one that I need to talk to is I. Is that being asocial? Does that mean that I am a snob?

I do not have answer to all this. All I can say is that I prefer my company to people with whom I do not share any interests. Even when I am with people that I share interests with, I am more silent. I talk in bursts. My mind wanders as does theirs. I am at my most creative (if I can be called creative that is) when I am alone.

I guess that I yearn for solitude. This is a state of mind more than a physical existence. One can be in a fair and yet be alone. I guess there is only a thin line that pushes person in solitude over to loneliness, his desire to be or not to be in the company of others. If he thinks that all that matters to him is he and does not give a damn what others think, he is in solitude. Else he goes about trying to influence what others think about him and gives more care to what others think of him than he does of himself, I guess that he will fall into loneliness when he is alone.

Solitude is you looking at the stars, lying on your back on the grass, with your best friend, not talking a word for hours, and yet feeling that you have been talking. It is when you are happy to be alone, as happy as you are in others company.

Solitude is - knowing you, finding you and living it, Loneliness is searching for you in others and not finding it. There is just that thin line that separates them; that line is in your head.

O Almighty

O almighty above,
Give me a reason for existence,
For having made pain in this world.
Give me a reason for life
When death is all that comes of it?
Why did you create people,
With desire to take lives of others?
Why is it that you create joy,
When that is not eternal?

I take the joy you offer
Without anticipation,
For the time it will last,
I choose to be happy.
I take the life I have,
To live it as I please,
Till death comes knocking
To prevent me from living.

I fear not the coming of the end,
I look forward with open hands.
I tread not a path, wary
Of things coming up ahead.
I worry not if others pass on by,
For I know deep in my heart,
Life is for living,
I shall meet death, not greet it.

Date: 3rd December, 2006

Tolerance

A post after what seems to be ages. I have been making the excuse that I have been busy to write, and that I have to put up with too much. Well, that is true to a certain extent. I have been busy upstairs. I have been doing things that I am not too happy about, and things that have not been as pleasurable as I would like them to be. This is where it all ends. From this day forth, I shall do only those things that I like. That means that I shall be writing, or rather pursuing my mostly pathetic effort of converting thoughts in this head of mine to text on my laptop.

I was talking to an uncle after five years. Considering the fact that I am the only person I in this entire universe who can talk to him on a one on one basis, I guess that five years has been too long a time. I do not want to delve in to the things that prevented me from having a more regular talk with him. He did not do much in terms of influencing me, but to give him credit, he tried. All he left me with is a profound sense of what I am.

Coming to what I want to talk about, tolerance. I guess most of us think that we are tolerant people. What do we mean when we say that we are tolerant? Do we mean that we put up with things that we do not like? Do we mean that we do not care what others do as long as they do not interfere in what we do and at times, even if they did interfere, we are irked, but would rather shut up? Do we mean that we do not care what others do as long as it is not in our faces? This is what we have thought of being tolerant.

I have thought myself to be a very tolerant person. In fact, so many times I have tolerated things that I did not like. Today, I had a rude awakening. So rude that I have had to check the premises that I have been working upon.

I have always thought that not to care and carry on what we are doing is tolerant. Today I realized to tolerate what one is doing one needs to understand. Understand why the other person is what he is, why something that is being followed is actually being followed, why something being done is being done, we have understand the cause.

When someone has said in the past that he is tolerant of people that follow Islam, he has meant, more often then not, that he has nothing to do with them, and would not like to. He did not care what they did in their lives as long as they did not bother him. The minute that they bothered him, he would gladly throw down his tolerance. This can be said of so many things. My mother is tolerant of people that eat meat, even when she cannot sit at the same table as them while she is eating and she cannot stand the smell or sight of anything that has either not been plucked or fallen from something that was once not rooted to the ground.

This is not tolerance. As I understand it, to tolerate is to know what you do not like, to understand why you do not like it and finally think that because you know about it, it does not matter that others do it, you personally have a reason that is backed by reason as to why you are not doing it. This would mean that a person who is a Hindu because he was born a Hindu or a vegetarian who is one because his parents are one would not classify to be included in the tolerant list. This is applicable for all despicable things that one tolerates.

Only when one says that he is a Hindu because he believes in the Hindu way of life and that he is a vegetarian because he thinks that killing animals is not something that he would indulge in, but accepts what others do as a personal choice of theirs just like his, he can be tolerant.

Tolerance can never be a state of being, a state of existence. It has to be a constant effort in understanding the unknown and to test the limits of ones own self to realize what they are, it has to be firmly rooted in knowing oneself, in being true to oneself.

I must know me before I can tolerate others.

Weaker

I tell you a thousand things,
Feelings, fears, and hopes.
No one else knows what I am,
I care not for those folks.

When I was in pain, I ran to you,
To tell you my life is sore.
But I ran to tell you what happened,
Because than life, you meant more.

Times have changed,
And we have drifted in life.
aLone I have faced it
and conquered many a strife.

When I finally ran to you,
To tell you what I was doing.
I realized I had changed
From where we were to where I am going.

Sadly, I return to my corner,
In life, I am now my own sense maker,
Knowing, without you there
I am all the more weaker.

Date: 3^rd December, 2006

Absence

Time has dulled the pain,
Of your absence.
I have made me live the life,
I thought I would never live.

Nightmares of moments
Spent in your company,
Dreams of moments
That you held me in your arms.

Those moments are just a memory
Of a time long gone by
A time I was younger
A time when I was happier

Now that I realize you are gone,
Never to return to my side,
I walk on into the darkness
Without a hope of finding light

Power

It has been long since I have had the time to sit and talk about things that make me think. Last week, I was browsing for information regarding some college assignment, when I happened upon a website of one Mr. Bryan Caplan. He is an economic professor at GMU and has an amazing website. One of the pages that I read talked about power.

Every man has four things that he works for, money, love, sex, and power. And the most elusive of these is the most sought after one, by simple Law of Supply and Demand, Power. Those who do not have it want it and those who have it cannot seem to get enough of it. Thus, life is simply a struggle to see who can have the most power. Every war fought, in the battlefields, the courtrooms or in every household was over power.

There is an eternal struggle in a man’s life to be more powerful than someone who controls him. The car driver one day wants to be the one on the back seat; the secretary wants to be in the boss’s seat someday. This is given. However, the thought that arises, is humankind made for power, for control?

The quintessential feature of every man is the desire for individualism. This is what drives him, is the fuel for his ego, something to give him a reason to live. Under every man, here is a small voice telling him that no matter what, he is one of the best examples of human beings made. The main target for a power wielder is this voice. As long as one has this voice in him, he refuses to be ruled.

The power wielder and the target of the power are locked in an eternal struggle, with both not winning. The only thing that remains is feelings of ill and desolation. For a normal human being, even when he controls another being, his conscience will not allow him a moments rest. The case for the target is simple; as long he is a subordinate, he will not be satisfied. Every revolution, every fight for independence has stemmed from this.

What happens when a man is broken? When he loses that spark, that fire, that ego? He becomes no more than a robot, no more a part of the human clan. Percy Shelly immortalizes these thoughts.

'Nature rejects the monarch, not the man;
The subject, not the citizen; for kings
And subjects, mutual foes, forever play
A losing game into each other's hands,
Whose stakes are vice and misery. The man
Of virtuous soul commands not, nor obeys.
Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate'er it touches; and obedience,
Bane of all genius, virtue, freedom, truth,
Makes slaves of men, and of the human frame
A mechanized automaton.
--Percy Shelley, Queen Mab

Is there a solution? Not as far as I can see. As long as there are people whose egos are insatiable, and as long as there is envy and jealousy over the influence wielded, there will be power struggles and that will make life miserable for the rest of the world.

Orkut-ian

In the last year, a new craze has caught fervor among the students. There are more people following what is going on in that then there are people following class. Every break, no matter how small, every class no matter how important, every system no matter the owner is plugged into this forum. It is called Orkut. All those who were on the forum will differ saying that they were there long before the craze caught on. The time of joining does not matter. What matters is what people do in that. What matters what is each persons take away from that.

I used to be a member once. Then in a fit of, for lack of better adjective, stupidity, I deleted the account. The second stint has been very rewarding. As far as I am concerned what people have taken away are:

• People that you talked to once upon a time, people that went to the same class as you did, people that lived in the same apartments as you did, people that you knew by name long time back are there, just a click away. You may never know when you have an urge to talk to someone that shared a joke with you when you were in your unddies. It is then that this forum comes on its own.
• When there is no time to call up and talk, when there is no time to send a detailed mail regarding the state of affairs on your side, but you desperately want the other person to either share the agony or the joy, all you need to do is to send a scrap. And they are intimated of the matter. On the other hand, so are the millions of others that are frequent visitors to that person’s scrapbook.
• If you are a lonely soul and want to find that perfect life partner, the man/woman of your dreams, that elusive personality, chances are that you may find them. I have an instance where a girl talked to a person for six months at the end of which she was convinced that he was the one that she would spend the rest of her life, so much so that, she told him. What happened then is an altogether different story.
• The fierce competition to get more friends, more scraps, and more testimonials than the roommate of yours. Every nigh is spent checking how many new friends you have added and how many he has. Every single minute supposed to be working is spent trying to create a one sided conversation that ensures that your buddy get to a milestone of scraps, 100, 200, 500, 1000 and so on.
• The community where you get to discuss thing from what you had for dinner last night (not that I want to know), to the performance of the cricket team (not that I am bothered), to the nuances of science and technology (now we are warming up), to religion (talk on buddy) and to what one can do for the world at large, this is the true soul of Orkut. This is when you realize that you can be the part of something big.
• The down side is when people abuse the faith you have bestowed upon the world, where they take your identity using the photos that you have uploaded, call you names, call your girl friend names, and make your life a living hell. It is at times like this that you question the forum. One of my friends told me the reason that he was not so active on the forum when I was at the peak (2500 scraps, 66 fans, 475 friends all in a period of 3 months) that he felt odd that what he told me was being read by others, that what he says to me is to be between us. I told him that there was messaging. His reply that he can call me and talk, rather than this, was true.

You have to realize that the forum was meant to bring together people sharing a common past, people that want to share a present and are looking to meet new people. It is for people that are looking for people that want to talk, people that are willing to debate on things that they believe in, people that are networking, people that are not able to keep in touch for reasons unknown. In short, Orkut is a way of life these days, a religion. Hail Orkut.

What am I?

The question posed to me or rather a statement that led me to the question that is defined by three simple words; “What am I?” is because of Pushkala response to the piece, “Illusions and boundaries”. She told that the word ‘you’ itself is an illusion. So here I am, asking the same thing, what am I?

Do I exist,
Do I live?
Do I meander,
Along paths tread for me?
Am I an illusion
Of the things I show?
Do I define what I am
In the acts I perform,
In the crimes I commit
And by the passion I exhibit?

Am I just a figament
A creation in your head?
Do you see me the way I am
Or the way that you wish to see me?
Are you aware of me, and my existence?
Do you see a reason
For my existence,
For my living
For my travails along paths
You yourself don’t approve?

Am I an illusion
Taking form when needed?
Living between perception
In the eyes of the world that I see?
Am I real
Or a falsified reality?
Where do I live,
Where do I hold weight,
In the unreal outside world
Or the real world; in your head?

Dated: 14th August 2006

Boundaries to illusions

Sitting in class
With a thousand thoughts,
I wait for the day
That shall bring freedom

Freedom from boundaries
Set as limits to conquest,
Freedom from illusions
Of a life free to love

Nothing matters other than you,
Your needs and your wants
You limit yourself
To the boundaries you set to illusions you perceive

Dated: 7th August 2006

Snapshots of life

I stare out of the window,
At the world passing by.
So many faces, so many stories
So may things to behold.
Each person has a tale,
Of a life they have lived,
Ambitions unfulfilled, hopes harbored.
Each carries a suffering,
Each carries a joy.
Some show on their faces
The life they are leading,
Some keep it safe inside
Safe from the world they are running from.
They walk on taking each step
In the hope that this day will be better
Than the one they are coming from.
They pass by without a glance,
Not a break in the stride.
They walk on into the distance
Leaving no trace of them having been here.
Their faces forgotten in an instant,
They stories remain untold.
I go back to my life,
To the dreams and hopes I harbor,
To live the life I have unlived
To walk outside someone’s window.

Dated: 9th August 2006

Dead and buried

The days have gone my dear,
They are dead and buried.
I stand here before you an accused man,
With nothing to say to defend myself.

I have sinned in the past,
Crimes of passion I have committed,
The days are gone my dear
They are dead and buried.

The passion has fizzled out,
The time has made me weak,
Thoughts crawl through my skin
Make me tired and weary.

I do not repent for what I have done,
They are in the past, long forgotten.
The days have gone my dear,
They are dead and buried.

People I hurt,
To please the people I treasure,
People I stamped upon
To rise through the system I despised.

Those times shall never return,
Those days have gone dear,
They are dead and buried,
I am still alive, just dead on the inside.

Dated: 9th August 2006

The greatest compliment

I have been writing for seven years now. I have been writing seriously for not more than three years. Before that, it used to be a past time. I used to write to express something, because I thought that I was somewhere special. It has been in the last year and a half, that I consider my writing as a serious venture.

It began as a personal thing, for my eyes alone, and then passed on to the eyes of the one person whose comments I valued. It was when I realized that I was getting better; I decided to let the world read it.

Through the means of the blog I keep, I get some comments. The best comment came last night. Most of the people who are regular readers of my blog, I chat with. For privacy sake, I shall not name that person.

Last night we met online and started talking about neutral things. That person suddenly asks me if I can do them a favor. We have become good friends and the request surprised me. I told them that I would if it were in my powers.

That person told me that they have a cultural thing in their college and they have to submit something for that. They were wondering if they could take one of mine and submit it.

On the face of it, this seems like copying. I generally am very possessive about my pieces. The fact that someone wants to take something that I created and make it their own intrigued me. If you look deeply, you will see that they are telling me indirectly that they really like my work and would like to be like me.

Is this not the greatest compliment ever? To be recognized is something, to have someone tell you that you are doing a good job, is amazing, but then to have your writing taken with your permission is something.

In fact, that person need not have even asked me. All they needed to do was go to the blog, (they have linked my blog to theirs) and take what they please. The very fact that they waited to ask me shows the integrity of the person. That person told me that if I was not ok with the entire thing, I could refuse. That person thanked me in the end, but I am the one who needs to thank them, for giving me the best compliment that I have ever received. I hope that they read this entry. This is to tell them that I have no ill feelings and am thankful for the compliment.

Thank you.
Dated: 9th August 2006

Illusions and boundaries

Do we know what we are doing? Do we have a plan for each event in our lives? Do we control what happens to us? Do we decide what we are going to do? Is the world we see really the way that the world looks? Is what we see as our boundaries really the limit to what we can achieve?

Each person claims to have a hold on the path that his or her life is taking. They claim control over destiny. Some people take the extreme opposite view. They say that they are clueless over how their own lives are going. They are helpless and say that they follow a prewritten path. They even have a name for all this. They call it fate. The question is which of the two are right. Does a person control his life, or is he destined to do things whose happening are beyond his control?

Why does a person limit himself or herself to a certain boundary? Why is it that they claim that they can only do so much and no more? Have they ever tested the boundary by actually trying to cross it? How can they say that this is the limit when they have no idea as to where the boundary actually lies?

The limit that a person sets to achievement in his or her life entwines with the illusions that a person lives under. The human being was the result of millions of years of evolution if we believe Darwin or is the creation of a super power in his reflection if we believe the holy books of the world.

He is the Supreme Being that has powers over anything that he chooses. He has over the centuries, overcome the fear of things that he did not understand, understood them and finally began exerting control over them. He overcame the illusion that he had about these and then he redefined the boundaries that he set for himself.

Man chooses to live under a certain set of illusions in life. To lead a life under that set of illusions, he sets limits to what he wants to do so that he need not venture out of those illusions. These boundaries are of cast iron that we cannot overcome them. It is just that we choose not to. This is because to overcome this we need overcome the illusions we have and that is a scary thing. Man is a creature of habit and to break the habit, he needs to come out of the shell enclosing the illusion and think.

Man has no boundaries nor does he have any limits.
Man is beyond doubt; he is the light that removes the doubt.
Man is impervious to fear; he is the knowledge from which fear flees.
Man is supreme, to control, to have or to lose.
That choice is his, to live free or to live under bounds.
He has to remember that no one sets those boundaries for him.
He has to remember that he chose those limits.
You limit yourself to the boundaries you set,
To live under the illusions you wish to perceive.

Mother

The mother on the road cries out in despair,
“oh help me please I have a child".
Begging for her sake?
Or that of the child unborn?
Begging for what she never had,

People unknown shed a tear,
Ones those crocs are proud of.
Give a dime,
To the poor dear, they say
And they walk off into the twilight.

Does the woman care for the child?
Albeit it being unborn?
Is it a source of joy for her soul?
One to cherish for life?
Or is it a means to her meal of the day?

Death to the one I love

As I hold you now
In my arms
One wish seems to run
Through my body
And racks my soul.
The breath that flows
Through you
I wish would stop.
Taking you from the living
To the realms of the dead.
No one should see you now
As I see you now.
No one should hold you now
As I hold you now.
No should ever love you
As I love you now.
Die my darling dearest
And immortalize my love
A love that encompasses
That shall love you to death.

An evening on the rocks

I sat there by the rocks,
Not having a care in the world.
I was not sure of my next meal for I just had one,
Heck, I am not sure if I will live till then.
There is creature that I have come across,
Too big for me to see clearly, I catch a glimpse.
He is big and tall and heavy.
Not like the others I have seen
And believe me I have seen many.
He is looking sad or I think he looks sad.
How can I say what his emotions are?
If at all he has any.
I am waiting to catch the next wave
To catch the surf in my hair,
But I can not help but look at the creature,
The one that stands directly above me.
He seems afraid of the water,
But curious nevertheless.
He wades into the water when the waves recede,
But runs back again when they reach the shore.
He eyes me suddenly
And walks over to where I am sitting.
I am not sure if I should run or freeze.
Sure that I cant out run him I sit there,
Willing him to do the worst.
He looks at me and I wonder,
Is he thinking about me the way I am about him?
I turn my eyes toward the sea,
My wife is waiting for me somewhere there,
I have to get her for it is getting late.
I wait for the waves to come and take me home,
But I can’t seem to leave this creature alone.
I sit through the wave,
And he seems happy to see me there.
The smile on his face makes me warm,
I take the next wave
And head home.
Aditya Rajaraman
07.12.2004
A Tribute to Sri's one evening on the rocks

Mine

Do you see in to my depths?
Oh dear now that you know me?
Words gone unsaid,
Thoughts gone unheard.
Clipped the wings of the bird
E’en before it could take flight,
Never gave the truth a chance
Even if it was right.
Million times you have said
Things I thought insane.
Thousand times I had to agree,
Feelings of sanity I hid.
Now that I am free my dear
From the bonds that held me,
Free to roam the skies,
To speak what is in my mind.
Do I feel the happiness?
That is rightfully mine
For which a price I had to pay,
The cost being my sanity?
Shall never trade the thoughts I have
For the feeling that one desires
Feelings are transitory dear
My thoughts are not for sale.

Joint

Fly free, o mind of mine
Break the bonds that attach you.
Roam the world free of whine
Painting the sky blue.

Never care for words not yours
They hold no clue for you,
The world we live in is ours,
Ones who understand so few.

I have been made invalid
By a system I never understood.
Are my morals squalid?
By which, all these years I’ve stood?

Oh mind! My laments are a lot
Not to worry that I talk to myself
Just leave me to rot
And fly away beyond the restraining shelf.

- Adi & Harsha, 2003
Note: this was a poem that Harsha and me tried writing and more than the poem the memories that are attached with it are precious.

By the beach

Sitting by the dunes along the beach,
Watching his son run by,
With the setting sun on his son's back
And the blowing wind in his son's face.
The memories of the distant past
Brings a smile to his face.
His wife is now standing beside him
A hand his hair and the other to her eyes
A look of concern on her face,
For the safety of her first born.
Should I thank god, he wonders
Or be happy that everything is alright.
The day now seems so far,
When he could not find a soul.
No one would share his thoughts,
Neither would they dry his tear.
Then she came by one sunny day,
Bringing the sun in her smile.
Smitten by the first look,
Life was given to him on a platter.
He found her to be a friend,
One that would give anything to see him smile.
One that would hear imp speak endlessly
On topics that she had no inking about.
She would take his hands when he was scared,
Comfort him with the words that he needed to hear.
Now the world seems bliss
A fire glowing in his heart,
One of love and one of ecstasy.
Life gives him reasons to be,
Reasons that he's kill for and those he'd die for.
Now his wife is expecting again,
Another being shall be born,
With him being half the cause.
Now he smiles at last,
Happy just to be alive in a world
That fails to believe in belief.

Long lost friend

Looking through the past year books,
I came upon a familiar face,
One that I seen a thousand times
Spent countless hours with
Time took us apart,
Promises made
To keep in touch
By mail or by a phone call
All seem to have gone in vain.
I cant remember
The last conversation,
About the latest girl friend
Over the last cup of chai
Now I am not sure where he is
Or what he is doing in life.
The search begins now,
There are stories to be told.
Of times spent apart
And stories to be made
Of times to be spent together.

Dated: 16.02.06

Brothers gray and white

Brothers gray black and white
Brothers of gray are opening out,
Replacing their brothers of black.
Old age seems to be catching up
Signs of having lived too long.

A time when the time left to live
Is shorter than the time lived,
When the memories of the times past
Seem better than the hopes of those to come.

When things near and far are a blr
A touch of a hand gives no feeling,
A meal can not be chewed anymore
All that is left is an empty smile.

Words of wisdom there are many,
From pits into those there was a fall.
Advice to those who are to follow
Of how to avoid the stumbling block

For hopes harbored there is no room
As there is no time to fulfill them,
The end is of the road is drawing near
The time shall come to soon disappear.

Dated: 27.12.2002

O My God!!!

Taking this statement made popular by the F.R.I.E.N.D.S series, where every one has to do anything saying “O, my god”. So what is it about that unseen person/thing/being that enables one to overcome no matter what is the hurdle that he or she is facing? Faith in divinity, what is it? I mean, I am still to understand what divinity is, but to have faith in it seemed absurd to me.
The best instance of this shall be our parents. By our, I am including all those who are less than 30 years old. The reason that I am doing this because it is around this time that the faith in the abstract was replaced by faith in a more concrete being, the self.
To understand what someone means when he/she says “god will give” is difficult. My father is a staunchly religious person. Each day will start of with a prayer and each night will not end without him spending at least a few moments in front of a depiction that has four arms! Yet he is a successful person and borders on brilliant. This is completely opposite to me, a moderate achiever.
In fact I have had many discourses with a friend of mine as to what is the reason that god exists. The main reason that we were able to come up with is that during the times that the thought process of man was not developed, there were things in nature that scared him. Imagine, you are alone in the forest and you see thunder and lightening. What do you do? Think that it is just electrical discharge and leave it? Well you could do this if you knew what electricity was. Since you have no idea that electricity exists you do the next best thing. You make it all-powerful and then pray that it will not harm you. This can be extended to all the gods of all faiths. Take the thunderbolt throwing Indra of Hinduism or the same with Zeus of the ancient Greeks.
Coming back to faith, I guess that over the years, faith in divinity has been a security blanket, a way of saying that this is not the end. There is something more to come, A way of saying to your self that I may be down but then I am not beaten. However, since science, the all-powerful science has come up with all the right reasons to justify why god does not exist and the religious heads have all the wrong ones that say that god exists, god is being pushed to the back shelf of life.
Also during years past, god was a method to keep the society in check. How many times have we been told, “Don’t do anything bad, else god will punish you”. So much that we have stopped listening to it completely.
Then why is it that there are people that still believe in that all powerful, all pervasive being? That is a question of faith. That I cannot answer for you. All I can say is that it is another among the long list that differentiates us from the animals. May be if we did not have a god we shall not kill so many of our own species in his name. It is too late for all that now. The security blanket has become a way of life; a check has become a barrier; faith has become fanatic. O My God!

Faith

There are times when I surprise myself. The things that I come up with in the head of mine put me to shame. I look back at what I write and I am spell bound. One of those is something that I wrote regarding the breakup that happened to a friend of mine. I ended the piece with the following lines: Faith lost in a person can be redeemed; faith lost in a relationship can redeemed. However, faith lost in the reason for the relationship cannot be redeemed.

I thought, when I read these lines, why not make a whole piece on them considering the fact that the world today is made up of quick dating and the tick tock bang, thank you madam types.

As usual, I need to begin with the definition of the word faith. Does the word belief cover everything that faith has to offer? I think not. The word faith is much more obscure than belief. Belief is what we have on something that we are not sure about. Like the belief in god, the belief in something happening. It does not need any proof to exist.

However, faith on the other hand needs a certain degree of proof, a certain amount of evidence. Without this evidence, faith is just another belief that the human psyche has. So what does this faith have to do with the human relationship and what does it have to do with the making or breaking of the bond that exists between two people?

When we come to know a person, we ascertain a set of qualities to that person. Whenever we happen to meet them, we shall run those qualities in our head and then decide the type pf response to offer. One of the qualities is faith. This is complete belief in that person. Ti is not necessary that the faith of two people on the same person be the same. This is because faith is subjective. What I see as a quality that provides faith to me may cause another person to lose the same faith. Simplest example that I can think of is faith on a thief. The boss of the thief has faith on the man, while society as a whole does not.

Similarly even relationships run on faith, faith that the other person is committed. The level of commitment is known to the other person and based on the commitment that he/she needs, the relationship shall run smoothly, or in troubled waters.

What happens to make someone lose faith? It could be many things; the way that one acts, the way that they talk or just the way that they are. In the beginning, when everything seems rosy, people shall over look small things or think that such things will not trouble them, only to discover that they actually do. Later on in life, when such things do happen, the qualities that were ascertained to that person are belittled. They realize that what they thought was the truth and what it is are two different things. It is then they begin to lose faith in the other person.

What makes one lose faith in a person and still have faith in a relationship? Take the case of two parents, who have a child. Even if they have realized that they are not in love with each other or worse they come to know that they other is having affairs on the side, they shall lose faith in the spouse. However, in more cases than not, they shall have faith in the relation of parents, because the fact that they are not loyal to each other does not prevent them from being good parents.

The final part - lost of faith in reason of existence of a relation. This is what keeps a relation going. It is the very fabric of a relation. It case of couples, that reason may be love, in case of friends could be the way that they interact. I shall not give an example for this but then I request you to take a minute and reflect on what will happen if the faith on the fabric of your relation with another human being is built on is torn. Will you be able to trust the other person again, will you ever be able to act the same way that you used to? I think not. That is why I believe “Faith lost in a person can be redeemed; faith lost in a relationship can redeemed. However, faith lost in the reason for the relationship cannot be redeemed.”

Platonic Relationship

In the world, at the ideal state there is said to exist an equal ratio of women to men. That makes the age old statement “for every person there is someone in this world”. But then more than that one person, it is the bonds that we create with others that make life more livable.

What is a sign of a modern society? Is it having cars, mansions, economies booming, where everyone is getting richer everyday? What I am asking is whether the society is classified by what it does or how it does what it does?

The society is defined by thousands of rules that one needs to follow. These rules are defined by wisdom (supposedly) handed down through the centuries and create the environment that we live in. it is one of these worldly words of wisdom that I want to question.

Taking off from what I was talking about, the concept of the elusive someone, that one person who can bring sunlight into the darkest gloom, that soul mate. I had a friend who once told me that she had a soul mate and she had to let him go and never in her life will she ever love someone as she loved him. But then when I went into asking her how it happened, it all came out. They were the best of friends and then one fine day lightening decides to strike. She realizes that he is the one with whom she will be the happiest.

I am not going to question what she feels, but then what I wanted to ask was why was it that most of the people that become lovers in life start as friends; some as members in the same group, the others as the best friends, who one fine day decide they want their relationship to transcend into another plane. One of my best friends told me once that has been told to me by parents for years, that a boy and girl can never have a platonic relationship.

I do agree that the people that start of as friends are better able to live with the other person. They already have a base to work on and they know most of there is to know about the person they are besotted with. It seems to make life so much easier when you have a friend and then they become the person that you spend the rest of your life with. Does that mean there is no way that a relation can be platonic in this world?

What is a platonic relationship? The dictionary describes it as being nonsexual. That does seem to be the dictionary meaning. But then is it the real sense that one gives when they say that they are platonic? I think not.

Boys will be boys and girls, girls. In a situation like this, the two of them have to meet in the middle to have a relationship going. By relation I do not mean in the physical sense. So it is natural for them both to have some undercurrents going. There shall be times when they look at the other and see the qualities that make them special. At times like this they shall wish what if the other person was something more than just a friend, what if they were the one that they could spend the entire life with. But then they shall realize that it is just an impulse and that the thought holds no backing. They shall not voice that momentary feeling and the relation remains one of platonic; devoid of all sexual connotations. There in lies the root to true relationship, to think as to what is best for the parties involved and to realize that all actions acted on impulses are not worth the effort. As they say, better to lose the battle to win the war.

Blank Stares

Do not give me that blank stare
You know as well as I do
The reason you are leaving now.
Times seem to have changed,
People seem to have changed.
I have remained the same
In a world that changed around me.
I expected the people I cared for
To care back for me.
I never realized
The fact that was so obvious.
I am just another in their lives,
Not the sole reason they live.
Another stone in the pathway
Another face in the crowd.
I never expect anymore
It is easier this way.
I am not angry you are going,
I am sad you are not staying.
The times we shared fresh in my mind
The times we should have shared
Remain in my heart.
Go if you have to now
Promise me nothing
Time moves along and so shall I
The pain that runs through me now
Shall pass some day to become memories
Then we shall meet dear
With the same blank stare on each others face.

The Truth

The sky seems to open up on me,
The light getting too dim to see,
Lend me light me dear friend,
Told me up till the end.
Hope runs away from us,
But we aren’t ones to make a fuss.
We are enough of strength to the other,
Of rest of the world we don’t bother.
The worlds an amazing place to behold,
Of stories and tales still to be told,
We are the ones who shall see
Of all that we can ever be.
Stand by me my dear one,
Tell me the truth of things undone,
I am the person that you have seen,
In your dreams, what you have been.
Dated: 11:02:04

Opinions

What is it about people that makes you like them or dislike them? How come some opinions change over time, some over a period of minutes and some stay the same no matter how long it has been since you last had contact with them?

Opinions are the result of instant judgment that people do unconsciously. The judging factors lie in the judgor rather than the judgee. Main criteria are whether the person resembles what we think are the features of a likeable person. For someone who likes to be well groomed, this would mean that the other person is presentable and seems to take care in the way that he/she appears, while to a person who believes that looking shabby is the way to go then, that is what he/she will look for.

Once we are done with the superficial level, then we get into the nitty-gritty details of that persons character. This is based on two parts - the one that is prescribed by the society as to what a normal sane person should be and the other what the personal thought process prescribes. It is difficult to quote examples for this but I shall try. In most societies, smoking and drinking are considered bad habits. To some it is a vice, to others it is pleasure. When a person from a closed family that strongly believes not smoking and not drinking comes into the open world for higher studies, employment or some reason, the first impression that is formed is one of dislike. This is the societal prescription taking effect.

There will be circumstances that a non-smoking and non-drinking person is in the company of people with the above vices and still likes them. Then their personal judgment of the people deems that even though he/she considers it a vice, the people who do so do it according to their free will and that their other characters are good enough to compensate for the vices.

Whenever a person says that he/she likes or doesn’t like you, do not take it personally. Remember that more times than not, it is their upbringing and not the person. If that person has actually spent some quality time with you and then there is like/ dislike, then that is an opinion formed beyond the boundaries of society and that is the real opinion.

The concept of writing

What makes a writer different from all the people around him? This has been a question that I have thought over and I am yet to come up with a competent answer. I can remember the first time I tried my hand at writing. My friend has written a piece called “The Vice Principal”, that was a take on a staff in school that he did not like. When I came away from that school and joined another, I was so against my chemistry teacher that I took the lead from that and wrote a small poem called “My Chemistry Teacher”. Plagiarism got me started.

Ever since then ideas and thoughts have come, some as torrents and others as a trickle and I have spent time to make sure that I pen them down, if not for others to read, at least for myself. Half of what I write seems to be really bad when I read them the next time, that I am forced to change half the words.

What makes a person who can write so special? The thing that comes to mind is they are able to put their thoughts to paper. That is thing that I love. The ability to convey the thought process that goes on in ones head and to be able to transfer it to another is amazing. Even though what I intend to pass and what is received is altogether different, the opportunity that arises is mind boggling.

It does not matter what others think of ones writing. When it comes to expressing ones views, it is not guaranteed that someone else shall endorse what I think. I can not write what others want me to write. That is not the purest form of writing. Then what is?

One could be when you write for the sake of writing. There is nothing more pure than sitting with a thought process in your head, lead by some unknown hand to a place, where you want to save that thought for all eternity, so that you can revisit it as and when you please. That for me is the purest from of writing.

Writers are neither born nor are they made. They just are.

Unfinished Business

The inspiration stops,
I am not able to continue the flow.
my hero lays waiting for my pen,
to let him finish the villain off.

I am not able to think as to why the killing must be done,
I can not fathom the hero's idea,
even though he is my creation.

the heroine waits beside,
willing me to go on,
to send her on the happy ending ever after.
her needs I can understand.
she is over come by the magic called love.

my favorite of the lot
is the bad, the villain.
I see more of myself in this man
than I do in the entire cast.
he is dark and scary,
doing as he pleases, he is not scared
swimming against the tide of the flow.
he was the toughest character to create,
and his memory shall last further than the other two.

the other people in the plot of mine
pale to insignificance
in the light of the fever of these three,
the fight between the good, fair and the bad.

I cant go on any longer,
I leave my story on the couch,
an unfinished business.

Thoughts

As I stood staring at those eyes,
A solitary thought that was running.
Am I alone in my thoughts
Or is she thinking what I am?
I was in love with this woman
But could not say what she thought.
She quipped bringing to my senses,
" You are thinking what I am thinking?"
I was suprised to realise
I so transperant to her.
I smiled at her, then she frowned.
"I want to know what you are thinking,
And it is funny to you?"
Then it dawned upon me,
Ones thoughts are ones personal realm.
Access is never granted nor can be,
The only way in is through my mouth.

The Snake Charmer

I want to write,
But cannot think of a thing to say.
My ideas do not flow, T
ry and try as I may.

I am jolted out of the blue
But the sound of a pipe being blown.
I know that is no use anymore,
My thoughts have simply flown.

I looked out of the window,
Hoping to catch the origin of the sound.
Maybe I shall be given back my idea
Gift wrapped and bound.

A crowd has gathered before my gate,
I am more curious than the cat that died.
I venture from the domain I have set
To restrain myself unlike the tide.

I walk out of the gate
To the sound of a snake charmer's pipe,
Eking out a living
To feed his family's gripe.

He plays the flute like a maestro
In front of an appreciating crowd,
To invoke his snake to come out
From its self induced shroud.

The cobra rears up its head
So majestic and beautiful.
To the awe-struck crowd it appears
Like a pet so dutiful.

It has been rendered impotent,
By its owner, in fear
Fear of being undone by a far better being
That tries to save its skin dear.

Unaware of the lack of poison,
It dances to the unheard tune.
It sways to the vibes of the charmer’s feet
The charmer who is now immune.

He makes the snake strike him
To the scare of all
Lest he be poisoned by the snake
And at that very spot fall.

The serpent hisses a bit and hushes us all
The only sound of the snake hiss
The charmer stops and places the hood,
"A paisa for the snake, mister and miss"

The crowd pay what they please and then disperse, T
he snake charmer moves on too far to see,
I am now left standing alone, pondering
What to become of my hero and me